I have for the past several days been caught up in what has turned into an obsessive compulsive mode such that I alluded to in my past entry. Basically, whenever I am confronted with a name or an idea, I am compelled by the thought that I must find out what those atheists think about it, in particular the one I mentioned before.
It is getting/has gotten very bad. I considered at one point calling the emergency line at CAPS, but I didn't. I read in the Wikipedia article on OCD that what you have to do is allow the trigger to be pulled, and then build up a tolerance for the unbidden thoughts that tell you "Doing it will allow you to enjoy the thing you want to do now." But I just haven't been able to do it.
One of the persistent ideas I have been slamming into my head with these constant readings is that it's not okay to have faith. Faith is a vice. Any definition of faith that isn't "blind faith" isn't really faith at all.
Is it really not okay to have faith?
I think I can maybe establish the existence of a necessarily existing being that is not the universe itself - but even this most atheists dismiss out of hand (I only cite this as an example of the "dismissing out of hand" - you can find plenty of examples of them dismissing it normally as well) - but the rest, that is all on faith. Or rather, the way I think things ought to be if God does in fact exist.
I just want to be able to feel like that's okay. Without an addendum like, I'm not hurting anyone. I just want it to be okay to believe in a thing I know I don't have the proof for. I just want somebody to tell me that and believe it.
I just want to let go so badly. When I was thinking of an example showing an atheist dismissing the cosmological argument, I began to flagellate myself again - "You should look at more of these arguments." It's not even a "You should do it, or else your a coward who's totally insecure in your beliefs" it's just "Do it! Do it! Do it!" There isn't even a reason anymore, just a horrible subconscious shriek.
Some people reading this are probably unbelievers. I know a good deal of the people I know are, though I don't know specifically and I don't really want to know - when you work in the academic world, that's just how it is.
Could it just be okay for me to let it go? I know you probably think I should just become like you. I would be happier if I did, I would get away from all this madness that you think has been imposed on me by superstition.
But I just don't feel like it, for some reason. Maybe it is because I really sincerely believe, in spite of my doubt. Maybe I a just afraid of death and want to cling to my deluded fantasies. Maybe I am just a troubled, depressed person who would be this way no matter what I believed.
But I just don't feel like it, even if I don't know why. Can that be okay? Please?