Saturday, November 7, 2015


I kept telling myself I would keep updating this, but you know how hard it is to keep those promises to oneself.

I was shocked to find that the issues I mentioned in that blood, I means specifically the conjoined twin body part thing was something I started obsesses over again a few weeks ago. I'm just going around in circles again.

I wish I had other things to write about that I felt were really important than religious stuff, but as it turns out that doesn't happen so much. I've been worrying this week about whether or not Romans 9 is advocating a Calvinist view of Predestination. I get the same stomach pain from these things as I do with worrying about God's existence, so I don't know what's the point even trying to get out of that rut when there are a thousand others after it.

For like the first year few months I was here, I was in a Dark Night sort of state like the last blog said. I was full of doubt. Then one day...well, I know how this will sound, but I'm going to say it anyway. I actually might have blogged about this story before, but whatever, I'll repeat it in that case. I don't feel like linking a bunch of things so you'll just have to trust me.

You know the Fatima apparitions? Well, putting aside all the people who were there when Miracle of the Sun supposedly happened, there was a reporter, Avelino de Almeida, from a liberal-leaning newspaper who after the fact said he had indeed seen the sun dancing. I had of course read that bit on the Wikipedia page. But then I found this book on Google Books that I now cannot seem to find, but it was a sort of Religious Studies book about the apparitions--it wasn't from the Church--and it had an excerpt of an earlier article of him driving to Fatima and talking about the whole affair cynically and postulating that one day the city would be lined with hotels full of tourists because of the whole affair. I could see in Almeida's tone the sort of religious indifference and cynicism I've seen in people since I came here. So outside of all the other people, the fact that this one person had seen it who was so like the people I knew who I could never imagine deceiving themselves into seeing something that wasn't there out of mass hysteria, that was something that I could cling to on an emotional level.

But you know, Our Lady of Fatima, while she didn't say anything against doctrine, did say plenty about modesty and piety and having physical penance (like, hair-shirt penance) that seems really rigorist. I think there's even one part about a girl who was a friend of Lucia, the seer girl and later nun, who had died after some kind of scandal involving her "dishonor" meaning I suppose some kind of premarital sex (though this is only something I've heard around, I can't seem to find anything solidly confirming it) being in Purgatory until the end of time. If just that ends you up in with the most severe penalty you can get while still being saved, I can hardly imagine what fate awaits most of us in the 21st Century, particularly me who has been regularly committing a certain sin that according to Aquinas is more serious that Lucia's friend since I was in fifth grade. Then again, that girl who died, she still "won"---even if she's in Purgatory until the heat death of the universe, like Dostoevsky says (sort of), it will still be worth it for even one second in heaven) but it still make Our Lady feel more like a really strict mother who is always out to catch you being bad than the loving and compassionate person I want to see her as. This isn't to say she isn't compassionate though, it's just, you know, a feeling. I know I am in the wrong, but can't she recognize how difficult things are, how hard it is too be good, especially when good and bad are so hard to tell apart half the time?

 Well, I don't have anything else. I'll try to keep up with this more often. Writing about my religious views under my real name probably isn't such a good idea for someone about to go into the job market, but I need this sort of thing from time to time.

1 comment:

  1. K.C.

    I happened to stumble upon your blog. My jaw dropped as I read through your faith-struggle. The resemblance between your thoughts and my own is uncanny.

    May I urge you, in the strongest possible terms, please please PLEASE reach out to a psychologist regarding Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I have been myself diagnosed with it regarding these and other issues, and I recognized its symptoms in you almost immediately, even before reading that you looked it up on Wikipedia.

    It is my non-professional opinion, as someone who suffers from OCD regarding this very same issue, that you need professional help. Please seek it. Reading a Wikipedia article is not enough.